The Illusion of Happiness

Is there a magic pill to happiness? I remember the first time I walked into my therapist’s office. The first thing I blurted out to her was ‘I am not happy. I don’t know why, but happiness eludes me constantly. No matter how hard I try, it just never comes.’For a very long time, I saw myself as ‘weird’. At one point, I thought a genetic mutation must have occurred during my conception that made me so different from everyone around me. Lol! suffice to say that wasn’t true at all. Being an unhappy person doesn’t mean not having periods of positive emotions. It doesn’t mean we do not smile, laugh and enjoy time with friends like everyone else. It just means we are constantly searching for something more always.
I have had more money than I needed, I have also been broke, I have had more success than failures (This might be because I actually do not try out new things). But at every point in my life, high, low, alone, in love, happiness remained an illusion to me. In the year 2014, I thought being closer to God would make me feel better, but it never did. Actually that turned out to be a big disaster. Reading the bible only took me to another whole new phase(A story for another day)! By 2015, I was reading every religious book I could lay my hands on. I even tried the Quran. After that phase of craziness, I came to the conclusion that I was not going to find happiness in God. I decided to put all my effort into making more money for myself. At the end of the year, I made so much money from investing that I had no reason to work an extra day in the year 2016. So I decided not to work for a few months and just live off my hard work. I focused 100% on my volunteering and refused all paid jobs.

But that hollow remained a part of me. A few months later, I packed my bags and decided to move back to England. For a short while after that move, I had the Illusion of happiness. I thought I had found my ‘happy place’ (is that even a real thing?…lol). That turned out to be a greater disaster as I moved back to Nigeria 5 months later with nothing in my heart but hate for God and all he stood for. I cut off all my religious friends and made up my mind to have nothing to do with any of them. I focused fully on making myself a better person. All I wanted was an avenue to purge myself of all the hate and anger. Social media became my tool for that. And it was during this period I met the people who turned out to be my best friends in the entire world. It felt good to meet people who were just as weird, crazy and free. It felt like I was home! And even though the year 2017 was one of the worst years of my life financially, it remains the year where I finally understood what happiness meant. I finally discovered the reason for my unhappiness was empathy. I also learned that somethings are out of reach to some of us. And it’s ok to be unhappy.While empathy might be a good emotion to have, an excess of it as in my case will only bring the carrier so much sorrow .It constantly feels like the weight of the entire world lies on my back. Sometimes I read a story and spend the next two days crying my eyes out because I have no means of helping. Happiness means kindness to me. I think I have spent half my life in tears. Constantly crying about things or people I do not know. I can’t control how I was wired, but I can control how I direct the results into the Universe. And the result I choose to direct is kindness!